Monday 4 January 2010

Happy New Year! (The morbid edition)

How are you feeling, dear reader?
Cold? Rotund? In need of detoxification? A low key but ever present dread at the prospect of going back to work?
And you know we'll all be working forever now, right? Year after trudging year, stretching out to the distant, unimagined future, until we inevitably croak a feeble 'Farewell!' and keel over into piles of our own dead skin. Yep, that's right - we won't die surrounded by loved ones, but plunging face first into a heaps of dusty filth that's accumulated on the long-buried surfaces of the desks we never leave.
Eat as healthily as you want. Get up at 6 in the morning to wheeze around a local park. This is all you're prolonging your life for.
Well, either that or the Mayan prophecies for 2012 turn out to be spookily accurate, and we'll all either die in massive, cascading walls of water or fighting each other on uninhabitable wastelands for the last shin bone with meat left for the gnawing.

So, until we either die or don't (and lets face it, we all will. Unless your surname happens to be Christ, but even then there's some debate), why not distract yourself from the inevitability of the yawning chasm of eternity with toys?
Hmm?
Yes! Lovely, shiny baubles to make it all alright. Like the kind sold conveniently online by, oh, I don't know, Firestar.

Check out this super-cool Superman, f'risnstance:
Isn't that just the kind of thing you can picture clutching to your breast as you sit, huddled, gibbering in a dark corner, listening to half-savage marauders as they beat the door down with a sickening inevitability, thud by muffled thud?

Or, on a more positive note, this chemistry set!
Just the thing for teaching your children, in a subtle way, the skills they'll need to filter water safely! Or, you know, make crystals. Which are always decorative, even in the direst situations.

Spend your money before it becomes worthless paper! Happy new year, everyone!

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